When should I tell my child they're donor conceived?

As the mom of a donor-conceived child, I see parents ask this question all the time. Parenthood can be complicated, but thankfully, the answer to this question is not.

Researchers and donor-conceived people agree: The best time to tell your child they are donor-conceived is today!

Why timing matters when telling your child they're donor-conceived

Children build their sense of identity from an early age, and family stories are part of that foundation. Telling your kids early and often about their genetic roots helps build trust, security, and pride.

Whether you built your family with the help of a sperm donor, an egg donor, or both, your child's biological origins are an important piece of their story. Giving them access to that information from birth sets them up for a happier, healthier future.

Studies show that children who were told about their biological origins early had stronger family relationships and higher levels of psychological wellness in adolescence.

One study that followed 100 families formed through assisted reproductive technology (ART) found that while disclosure is helpful at any age, kids who learned of their origins before age seven benefited the most.

"At age 20, 50% of participants who had been told after age seven that they were donor-conceived reported problems in family relationships, compared to 12.5% of participants who’d been told before age seven," TIME reported.

The case for telling early, from research and donor-conceived adults

The "early and often" approach isn't just recommended by researchers—it's recommended by donor-conceived people themselves. Here's what I often hear them say:

• Normalize it from the beginning. When children hear their story in age-appropriate language from babyhood or toddlerhood, it becomes something they’ve always known.

• No big reveal. Instead of one heavy conversation, the truth unfolds naturally over time.

• Healthy openness. Early honesty fosters a family culture where curiosity and questions are welcome.
  

Plus, with DNA tests widely available today, secrecy isn’t really an option. Sharing early puts you in control of your child’s story.

What if I haven't told my donor-conceived child yet?

If your child is already older and you haven’t shared, please be encouraged that disclosure at any time is better than keeping a secret. While it may feel daunting, most children value honesty above all. The key is to approach the conversation with empathy and readiness to answer questions. Be prepared for mixed emotions, and give them time to process.

Practical tips for talking to your kids

• Start simple. Some parents struggle to find the "right" words, but you don't have to be perfect. For younger kids, you might say: "It took an egg/sperm donor to help us have you. That’s part of your special story.”

• Use books and resources. Children’s books about donor conception can help make the idea relatable. That's why at Paper Hug Press, we make customizable children's book templates so you can personalize your story for your method of conception and your family structure. The Donor Conception Network also has a guide for talking to kids ages 0-7.
  

  

  Our book templates are customizable, so you can add your own family photos, donor details, and more.

• Revisit the topic. As your child grows, their questions will deepen. Be open to revisiting the conversation again and again.

• Honor their feelings. Whether your child feels proud, curious, or even upset, let them know their feelings are valid and that they can always share those feelings with you.

As a mom, my goal is to approach my child with deep respect at all times. That's why I made a custom donor conception storybook to begin with, and that's why I share them with others today.

Telling your child today gives them the gift of growing up always knowing their story, and that’s a powerful foundation for trust.